Mise à jour il y a 103w
Réponse d'origine: Why do people cheat?? I mean if you don't wanna be with that person leave them, I don't get why they cheat?
I've dated many beautiful, amazing and confident women and cheated on every one of them. I feel guilty about doing it, but that hasn't deterred me.
On a basic level, I cheat because I can. In addition to being good looking and in good shape, I'm also very successful and have a confident demeanor. Women generally assume that I'm single (I never am), and are attracted to me despite what appears to be a somewhat juvenile and arrogant persona for a man my age (or perhaps that's part of my allure.)
I have, shockingly, never been actually caught. I'm an extremely effective liar, and there are so many aspects of my life that I can use to cover for my cheating, so even being caught with what would have been undeniable evidence, I've always managed to weasel out of it. I also have a number of female friends who have covered for me as well.
Part of it is mere arrogance, selfishness and problems with my character; On a very minimal level, I've no compulsion about lying about romantic cheating. I seem to be able to isolate this from every other aspect of my life (where I'm generally very honest - I can't actually think of a time I've lied elsewhere in the last few years in a way that wasn't to protect someone's feelings or where "lying" wasn't considered acceptable because it was a business negotiation.)
I think part of why I get away with it is because most people assume that I never would cheat because I'm very much the person I present myself to be in non-romantic situations and because I have so many female friends.
I believe (rationalize) that what I'm doing isn't hurting anyone as long as they don't know and I'm "careful." I'm careful about the people I've cheated with from an STD standpoint, and I justify it sometimes as being a primal need for more than one sexual partner; I tell myself that I'm somehow a special Alpha male that has needs more than most other men. (Yes, I get how arrogant and absurd that is when I'm not rationalizing.)
As a terrible, serial and chronic cheater, I've spent years in weekly therapy to understand why I do what I do. All that reflection has revealed to me that what probably drives the cheating more than anything is that I'm terrified of being alone and allowing a woman to have sexual or affective leverage over me.
When I was a child, my mother was very erratic, unpredictable and angry; She would withdraw affection whenever I displeased her and sometimes just because she didn't feel like it. I would regularly go days, weeks or months without any kind of praise or affection from her because of something I've done or because of circumstances beyond my control.
So, cheating allows me to feel safe by having multiple sources of affection and acceptance. This also has the ironic effect of making me appear far more confident and less needing of anything from the women I've dated (or my ex wife - who still doesn't know), which does seem to be the most attractive quality a man can have. (Honesty is a close second.) It also makes it impossible for a woman to deny me her attentions as leverage, something that creates the illusion of strength. Finally, it provides a source of sexual gratification and emotional support immediately after any breakups.
Will I ever stop cheating? I'm trying. It certainly isn't about finding the right person. It's really about me. While I do have a lot of insight on my motivations, it seems to have minimal impact preventing me from doing it. I do feel bad about what I do, because it really isn't "risk free" and it really does matter. While I may never have been caught, women have a sixth sense about these things and I know that my cheating, while not acknowledged, have been a cancer on my relationship. It undermines their confidence and sense of well-being. There are many women who things would have worked out with if it hadn't been for my cheating.
And this is the ultimate paradox - I cheat because I don't want to be alone, but my cheating always keeps me from building a true connection.
UPDATE - 3 YEARS LATER….
I recently was reminded of this answer by a Quora alert indicating that there was a new reply. The member asked me to give an update, and I actually thought this was relevant, so here goes...
Perhaps it is, in fact, (or at least, in part) about finding the right person. Or perhaps it’s about the right person and not screwing it up… Ironically, right around the time that I wrote this, things changed significantly for me and my pattern of behavior moved in a very different direction.
I met a woman who I came to realize is truly the ‘love of my life’ and, despite never expecting this could happen to me, we recently became engaged.
Since we started dating seriously, I have not found myself drawn to other women, and not felt the least bit attracted to the idea of cheating. This was truly a surprise, and something I continue to struggle to fully understand.
I think there were a few factors that are relevant:
- She is incredibly affectionate and devoted. Probably by most people’s standards - excessively so. I can never imagine that I would do better and I don’t feel in the least bit like I’m making any compromises.
- While I had certainly dated women who were warm and loving before, I’d generally been drawn to women who were somewhat emotionally unavailable. (My fiancé seemed that way in the very beginning, but that quickly changed.)
- When we first started dating, neither of us expected that the relationship would be more than a short fling. There are considerable differences in both age, background and personal interests. I was, frankly, intimidated by her beauty, youth and minor celebrity, so I resolved to not fall in love with her - convinced that she would soon lose interest and eventually break my heart.
- So, our early relationship centered around sex and we didn’t expect it to be about much more. And never thinking that this would really go anywhere, there was little point in any deception or ‘image’ and I was extremely and unusually honest - about everything. With no expectations, I never had any shame or embarrassment about much of anything (including my past) and we ended up sharing more in pillow talk that I ever would have expected. We were both more direct and less ego-driven than any other relationship we’d ever had.
- Once the relationship developed into something serious, the honesty we had in bed extended to our expanded relationship. I remember how clear this became to me was when we were at one of our first public social engagements (a cocktail party) and she came over to me and whispered - “Can you not talk to that woman? It makes me jealous. In fact… can you… not… acknowledge her at all?” I was as amused as I was thoroughly stunned. I’d never had another woman communicate in quite such a direct and straightforward way. It inspired respect, empathy and a sense of connection I’d never felt with another woman.
- I think my honesty with her about my prior infidelity has led her to be vigilant (paranoid?) and I do think this helps. She keeps a close eye on me, and I understand why. Where previously I would have felt offended by reflex with another woman that didn’t know my past, it seems a reasonable response on her part.
- I’m aware of my own potential for cheating and I work hard to avoid situations where something like that could happen. I don’t hang out in places where opportunities present themselves - no nightclubs without her or weekend bachelor parties in Vegas anymore - just like alcoholics don’t go to bars.
- I’m also completely certain that if I cheated on her, she would find out, and she would no longer feel the same way and our relationship would never recover. (She might try hard to forgive me, but she’d never see me the same way again.) I know that it would break her heart and I couldn’t imagine doing that to someone who’s given me so much and who I feel this way about.
So, if a guy like me can change, I guess there is hope for others. I hope this helps.
Thanks, and good luck to everyone!
Répondu il y a 35w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 465 et de vues de réponses 266.8k
There are as many answers to this question as there are to any questions about why people do anything — which is to say, as many as there are people doing it.
I’ve never cheated on a partner in my life. As in, never kissed a girl as a teen when I had a girlfriend who thought we were exclusive, went through a two-year long-distance relationship in college without flirting, never cheated on my wife in any way during a 20+ year marriage (this account is a pseudonym), and never did anything outside the known boundaries of any relationship. And that marriage was an unhappy, emotionally abusive relationship from the beginning.
THAT SAID, I’m also spending the rest of my life with a woman I’m madly in love with, the best friend I’ve ever had or will have, and a woman who was married when our relationship started. I can tell you why she cheated on her partner. Actually, a huge part of that answer is that he wasn’t her partenaire at all. He was lazy, selfish, self-centered, unaffectionate, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. She wanted love and affection. They had an open relationship (at his insistence) but what happened between us was way outside the confines of what that was supposed to entail, including the fact that it was a secret.
Once the secret came out, her husband asked me why she’d lie about me and why she felt so compelled toward me. My response was a blueprint for how to win her back. They had a young child, and I was not going to ruin their marriage and destroy their family if there was a way she could be happy in that relationship. Fulfilled is probably a better word than happy. He tried, and it lasted less than three days. The truth is, I don’t think he was capable of feeling love for anyone but himself.
She’s the most wonderful person I’ve ever met, and every time I look at her, kiss her, make her dinner, get her (now, essentially, “our”) daughter ready for school, run her phone to her when she’s forgotten it, or done any of a thousand little things, she knows it. Her ex would come home stoned and drunk after their kid was in bed, complain she didn’t fuck him enough, and play a video game or read.
By way of contrast, my best friend from college is a sex addict. I used to joke about that (since the “she” and I moved in together a few years ago, we’ve been having sex at least daily, and I’m 50—who isn’t a sex addict?) but it’s a thing. Seriously, his wife has been incredible through this. That one’s hard for me to understand, because he has a genuinely loving, supportive spouse. So, what he was looking for was essentially the opposite of what my love was looking for. He was willing to jeopardize genuine love and affection for something (that from my POV) is empty and somewhat sad.
Whatever the myriad answers to this are, they’re all going to involve a person fulfilling a need. A malignant narcissist has different needs and tries to fulfill them differently than someone in a relationship with one, but either of them could decide to cheat as a result. Some may do it out of insecurity, others out of boredom. To me, this question is sort of like asking why people get fevers. The broad answers (in the case of fever, bacterial or viral infection; in the case of cheating, an unfulfilled need) are easy. The specific answer (in the case of fever, list every known pathogen here; in the case of affairs, insert every known source of longing here) is impossible.
M Noor, I understand relation, from heart.
Mise à jour il y a 1w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 824 et de vues de réponses 903.3k
Réponse d'origine: Why do people have to cheat on their partners? See comment
Cheating is a human quality (good or bad) to take advantage or to deceive someone knowingly and successfully, for a short or long period.
In relation it is a trick to behave unfair to own spouse. It is an unjustified act to treat husband/wife wrongly.
Why we cheat...
When a husband or wife is unhappy.
Due to economic reasons- When a husband couldn't fulfill his wife's needs or demands.
Due to emotional reasons and disappointment... When husband and wife are not emotionally attached to each other. They fail to understand each others need. They unknowingly started hating. In other hand, they easily accept the accessible emotional support from outside which leads an secret affair.
Previous love. ...Sometimes it became difficult to forget before marriage past love. It revive even after marriage.
Physical attraction- With society becoming more free, it is easy to be attracted to others.
Internet, mobile call, social networking, WhatsApp making relations close and achievable.
Work place love- People spending more time in work place. Close relation and attachments with opposite sex increasing love or affairs with colleagues.
Insensitive ness-Insensitive people don't give more attention to relations.
Misunderstanding - Continuous doubts and misunderstanding lead to find solace in other relationships.
Physical satisfaction- It's a reality that dissatisfied sexual happiness/relation leading, cheat.
Moral degradation- Morality is taking a back seat in new generation. People slowly considering sex and affair a matter not to be concerned about. Being faithful to spouse n one relation for whole of life becoming an 'out of date fashion'.
Loving more than one person, is gaining weight.
Why people don't behave straightforward, clean, transparent...because
It's not easy to say "the end" to a social relation.
It may create social atrocity.
Resentment form family members.
Can't declare an affair, due to the absence of moral courage and confidence.
In country like India where marriage act and relating punishment is harsh, no one dares to go against the institution of marriage. So it has a simultaneous effect.
It is not popular in our society.
If this declaration is one sided, then life becomes impossible and helpless.
So...it's better to cheat husband or wife. Rather to declare it and face social wrath and criticism, is very painful.
It is in rise but not followed by mass. Social relation, love, caring and sharing is an Indian way of life. We should love our partners unconditionally. Attraction towards opposite sex is a human tendency, it is temporary if without reason.
When it is reasonable, we should have gut's and determination to declare it publicly and to face the consequences with a sporty heart and stable mind.
Maxine-Kate Hall, Survivor of narc & phys abuse. PTSD sufferer.
Répondu il y a 66w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 77 et de vues de réponses 106k
Réponse d'origine: What is the single reason people cheat in relationships?
There is no ‘single’ reason people cheat. There are a few common personalities I know about & with my personal nick names for each:
- The bottom-feeder-cheater. This spineless cheater wants it to end but doesn't quite have the balls to do it, cheats and then upon finding out the victim ends up breaking it off.
- The all about me and mine cheater. Typically able to duck and dive proof & evidence, lacks remorse/ guilt for harm caused, This one is so engulfed in his or her own needs, placing them above all else and anyone else's is what they do and enter relationships with either no intention of staying faithful or total disregard for staying faithful in general.
- Opportunistic. These individuals are not your common cheating folk, probably never have; and don't ever seek out, plan, ask for etc the opportunity to cheat, however they are the ones who, when presented with it end up going with it. Mostly remorseful post cheating. “That's not who I am babe, you know me!?” One liners to be expected.
- Dim unrealistic cheater. This individual is one of those who's views and expectations are based on fiction (PORN, folk tales with the boys etc and terribly far fetched. In a bid to find their dillusions, it's when they figure the current partner can't do sit-ups, perform oral sex, keep up conversation AND look raunchy the same time- goes and seeks it from someone who they believe, can. (These ones are particularly fun to observe)
- The shark shit cheater. Another human form of waste matter. This individual lacks any sense of integrity and will wait til they have a new partner (one whom she/he cheated with) then leaves the original partner- but only because they have a new love interest. These fuck folk are a breed I can only describe as shark shit.
- Little boy big pants cheater. These are males who are not fully mature enough to understand monogamy; and consequences of actions. Typically (in my opinion) this breed dies off in their very early 20s, when maturity sets in & basic concepts of relationships are understood.
Those are my characters I could think of off the top of my head.
Jordan Allen, Salesperson, cereal lover, life and people enthusiast.
Répondu il y a 122w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 661 et de vues de réponses 5.3m
Every time I've kissed a new woman, my heart fluttered.
My stomach jumped.
My hairs became stiff on my head and stood up on my arms.
I felt so alive.
When I kissed my girlfriend I'd been dating for two years, it was a formality. Innocent, sweet, another way to say "I love you". There's nothing wrong with that.
After two years though, I did not feel vibrantly alive when we kissed. I did not get the twist in my gut or hairs standing up because I knew what would happen next. I knew what our kisses meant and I knew she'd kiss me back.
It's just something I'd experienced that I thought I very well may not experience again. Again, that was okay.
There's plenty of experiences that are probably fantastic in the moment that I'm okay with never knowing, like smoking crack, for instance.
Nonetheless, it wasn't there. Like a drug addict, I knew it was a fantastic feeling I would just go through life without because the consequences weren't worth it.
I've never cheated on a partner, I have a hard time imagining a world where I'd do it in the future, I find it despicable and in my dating life unforgivable, but I know why you would.
Among a million other potential reasons, sometimes, you just need to feel alive.
Natasha Isom, Finally happily married
Répondu il y a 145w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 367 et de vues de réponses 170.4k
Réponse d'origine: Why do people choose to stay with their cheating partners?
I stayed with cheating ex-boyfriend for 4 years for several reasons ( we had no common children involved) :
1) I still loved him
2)I was financially and emotionally dependent on him
3) I thought I could not find anyone better than him
4) I hope things will change IF : I do what he likes me to do ( even if it goes against my beliefs or moral values), I become better looking, better acting, fun, smart, educated, better "housewife" ( though not a wife at all?)
5) He told me he loved me and promised change
6 and FINAL) I was insecure, I derived my esteem from him and let him convince me that I am not all complete and worthy and capable on my own. Partially he was right.
Eventually suffering was bigger than it was worth it, so I transitioned painfully and slowly. It took me several long years and many unhealthy connections before I rebuilt myself and found solid ground. Only after I became stronger and was able to put necessary boundaries with a healthy dose of dignity, I was able to create a normal healthy relationship, which turned into marriage.
My ex and I still keep in touch occasionally and he says that I am his " family" ( it is funny because he didn't want to marry me). He acted in similar manner with women he was with after me. He seems to have found a lady who is good enough, or has he?