I'm in love with my best friend. I'm gay; he's straight. What should I do?

Anonymous

Anonymous

Répondu il y a 122w

I hate throwing my life stories around, but if someone can learn from me, it’s important.

When I was in my freshman year, I met a man I’ll call “Charlie.” He added me on Facebook, and when I asked my best friend “Rita” who he was, she said she was friends with him and that I should add him because he’s a great person to hang out with. Of course, I did. Somehow, a silent friendship developed between us. I don’t know if my personality just wasn’t off-putting at the time (it should have been) or what, but I didn’t question it. I wasn’t exactly in great with the guys because my entire being basically emanates gay every day of the week, so whatever, male friends were good.

Nothing much happened between us during my freshman year. Then came the summer after said freshman year. I was at a party at Rita’s house and Charlie showed up. He worked at a fast-food place and he was wearing his uniform because he was going to work soon. Up until this point, I hadn’t thought much of Charlie. He wasn’t ugly, but he just wasn’t attractive to me. However, this moment changed my entire perception of him. Sweet Lord, he’s so attractive in those dress pants. This might make me seem shallow, but it was important to me: it was the first time I genuinely acknowledged that I was happy I liked men.

Sophomore year was generally lax between us, but this was the year where I got to know his girlfriend, “Iilese.” She wasn’t soft-spoken in any regard, and I liked her for that. She had opinions and she fought them hard (which she would demonstrate in one of my more lax classes, the teacher of whom often allowed free days that she would capitalize on to talk to her friends, which soon became me). On one particular day, she was complaining to the teacher (and somewhat to me) about Charlie. I was listening, and basically her rhetoric was that he was manipulative and abusive. It wasn’t good news for me to hear, considering I barely knew anything about him, and so I reasonably resorted to not liking him.

It didn’t help that, the following summer, right before my junior year, another one of Rita’s parties was held. This one ended in disaster - I won’t go into details, but Charlie ended up vandalizing the property of someone he hated. I wasn’t too happy about this, but eventually I ended up getting over it. It didn’t involve me, and though Charlie had no legitimate reason to resort to vandalism, I didn’t judge him for it. It’s not the most moralistic thing to believe, I now realize, but at the time, it seemed forgivable to me.

And then, junior year. Holy shit, junior year. That was a whirlwind. There was so much drama that year for me that I was so happy to cleanse it off my senior year. The beginning of my junior year was the first year I was in choir, which Charlie happened to be apart of. At this point, I was absolutely certain I was gay. There was no denying it this time. On the very first day of choir, I walked into the choir room and saw Charlie there. I immediately thought, Oh fuck me, because I was in love the very first second I saw him. I don’t know what it was. I still can’t explain it. But at that very moment, I was enamored.

Junior was a cacophony rollercoaster ride of emotions because of this. At the time, Iilese and Charlie were broken up after she said that he was abusing her, which occurred during the summer. I still have no idea if this is true or not - Iilese lives by it and Charlie denies it completely - but all I know is that it put a major, major dent in our group of friends. To explain this: basically, there was a tight-knit group of choir kids at my school that consisted of me (I was unique because I came in as a friend of Rita’s and got accepted because I was bullied so often), Charlie, Rita, and a few others who don’t need to be named. There were also some outliers in the group, such as “Olivia” and “Victoria,” who will be important to the story later, and Iilese. Typically their inclusion began when they started dating a guy in the group, but even after the inevitable breakup (choir kids go through a lot of relationships in high school), they were still a part of the group because of the friendships they made.

What essentially happened with the breakup of Iilese and Charlie was that people began to pick sides. Olivia and Victoria supported Iilese, while the majority of the group supported Charlie. Rita and I were in the middle because we liked both of them and didn’t want to be involved in their drama anyway. I remained friends with both Iilese and Charlie because I was obviously their friends and I didn’t want their drama to strain my friendships with them. They felt the same.

This is where me being in love with Charlie created issues.

I was fully aware that Charlie had a girlfriend, whose name I don’t need to mention. I was friends with her because she was super nice and super fun to be around, and we were good friends because I was essentially her gay best friend. But unfortunately, I was horribly jealous of her because I wanted to date Charlie. However, I was aware of this, so I made sure often that I paid attention to my behavior around him to ensure that I wouldn’t interfere with their relationship. And I didn’t - they ended up breaking up for a completely different reason. But my inability to properly handle the stress I was putting myself through was insane.

I desperately wanted to be with Charlie, but I couldn’t, but I also couldn’t realize that I needed to just move on. Even if Charlie was single, it wouldn’t be possible for me to date him because we’re gay and he heavily disapproved of homosexuality because of his religious affiliation. But I ignored that completely. I was so painfully in love with him that I just had to spend a lot of time with him. And we did. But there were many situations that I now realized were heavily straining my relationship with him and others because of my inability to admit that loving him was hopeless.

  • Perhaps most poignant to me was one time we were running after school together. We were doing this for a few weeks because he wanted to help me get in shape (which was motivated by me). One day before we started, he asked me if he could invite his girlfriend to come running with us. I told him no, which obviously shocked him. My explanation at the time was that I always felt like a third wheel when I was with them, but it was really because I was tired of subjecting myself to seeing them together when I wanted to be with him. It made me feel like shit because I knew that being in love with him was hopeless yet I couldn’t stop.
  • Another instance was the almost complete destruction of my friendship with Olivia (and her boyfriend) and the end of my friendship with Iilese. Iilese was, as I said, quite vocal in her opinions. She expressed often her displeasure that I was still friends with Charlie, and Olivia shared those same ideas. At many points during my friendship with him, I would come to her in anguish about “how he treated me” (what young, stupid me believed was bad treatment was “I am so jealous that he’s still with his girlfriend and I’m stressing myself out about not hurting her so it’s clearly his fault for not wanting to be with me”) and her response was for me to leave him while hurting him as much as possible. There was an incident that occurred that caused me to be angry at him, and to me, this was the final straw. I agreed with her that hurting him and leaving was the best thing to do, so I asked her for ways to hurt him and she gave me a straight-up list of insults to use against him that would hurt him the most. However, it didn’t take long for me to realize that what I was doing was absolutely fucking ridiculous and there wasn’t an actual reason for me to be angry at him because the animosity between me and Charlie was from me blowing the situation out of proportion for no reason other than the fact that I was angry at the time (I made a genuine mistake in this situation that resulted in a very stressful situation for me and I was just handling it like a big baby). This caused me to lash out at Iilese, in which I basically called her a liar for trying to pit me against Charlie. As you can suspect, this sudden backlash resulted in the end of our friendship.
  • But guess what? This situation wasn’t the end of that. Because Iilese and Olivia were close, she took Iilese’s side and started taking issue with me too. The problem was, Olivia jamais told me that she didn’t like me because of this issue until I confronted her about it (her reasoning was that she didn’t want to start drama - as you could guess, this exact thing happened). She was distant to me the entire year and when I told her I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore, she was so upset. I told her I wanted to be her friend but felt that she didn’t want to, and she told me that she wanted to but was angry at me for my backlash to Iilese. She basically said, “you need to apologize to her.” And so I did. I realized that what I did was wrong, that there was no need to backlash Iilese for something that wasn’t really her fault (I pitted myself against Charlie), and that my pride wasn’t worth ruining a relationship with a good friend. Iilese still hated me (evidenced by her reaction to me at a party in which she consciously blew cigarette smoke in my face), which I don’t blame her for (although it’s easier to move on that hold a vendetta, which she still does, so whatever, I guess), and my friendship with Olivia was seriously damaged. We haven’t been as close since.
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All of this because I was horribly blinded by my love for Charlie and couldn’t accept that I needed to just find someone else. I ruined two friendships and in the end, I wasn’t even able to tell Charlie that the reason I was always so distraught after every time I hung out with him and his girlfriend was because I wanted to be with him. Even after I came out to him, I couldn’t do tell him that I loved him. When he left (he was a year above me), I was finally able to realize that what I had been doing was seriously hurting me and it had hurt some of my friends as well. Thankfully, I managed to avoid any severe damage with Victoria (Olivia’s best friend) because she understood me and we were honestly just super close, but it still made my life a lot harder than I used to.

This is an extreme example, obviously, but I just want you to know that it isn’t worth it. You will make your life so much harder if you can’t accept that you need to move on and leave it be. Seriously. Don’t hurt yourself or others the way I did. You’ll regret it.

Dan Holliday

Dan Holliday, Gātheist . . . (gay + atheist people!)

Mise à jour il y a 164w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 14.6k et de vues de réponses 121.3m

I have been in love with (and I mean "legitimately in love") with three of my dear friends in my lifetime. It's really hard. The whole thing is complicated probably by a few factors:

  • My type is completely masculine and (at least on the surface) self-uninvolved (that is: little attention paid to style, looks, etc.).
  • I'm a connector and as such, I've assembled almost every social group to which I belong. Because of this, my social circle of men was always the type of men that I subconsciously was also attracted to. In other words: I was perpetually surrounded by men I was attracted to, but could never touch.
  • I probably had some kind of subconscious sabotage mechanism driving me to be attracted to unattainable men.
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Either way, three straight guys in my life were three of the biggest loves of my life. Unfortunately, two of them had physical moments that (more or less) left me feeling even more strongly attracted and them feeling very confused (if not horrified). These are all very difficult situations to be in and in each case -- and after much heartache -- I discovered that the only way to move on is to move on completely. That means ending the friendship.

I don't go in for "one size fits all" solutions -- maybe you're stronger than I am, but I simply cannot turn off any romantic feelings I have for a man. Once they are there, the friendship for me is forever poisoned and cannot cross back over into something platonic. So, I can only say that in many cases your only choice for repairing the damage inside your heart is to move the friend out of your life and move on with yours.

Phaden Swan DeMil

Phaden Swan DeMil, I hide under the stairs at family events

Répondu il y a 116w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 66 et de vues de réponses 73.9k

Réponse d'origine: I'm a 13 year old lesbian and am in love with my best, straight friend. What do I do?

I've heard that falling in love with your best friend can be either a fairytale come true or it could ruin your friendship.

But don't you fear, those are the two most extreme ends of the spectrum, I mean it might turn pretty awkward but that doesn't mean your friendship is over.

Look, because she is your best friend, I think it is safe for you tell her everything, unless you think otherwise, this isn't exactly something I can tell.

I told my best friend that if she was bisexual I would have fallen for her a long time ago, but my almost-crush on her didn't really count because I was pretty emotional and down during the accepting-they-will-never-feel-the-same period of my two earlier crushes and was looking for the easier way out; l mean, it's easier to imagine myself with someone I knew so well than to face the unknown.

I'm not saying you're taking the easy way out, judging by the fact that you've turn to Quora for answers, the situation might be a little more dire than mine.

If it is safe for you to tell her, go tell her. Confess your feelings. You will never know how she feels for sure unless you ask her.

Unfortunately, there is almost the chance of your feelings being unrequited. And there's not much you can do other than move on. Things may get really awkward between you and your friend, but make sure she understands if you ever need space.

Friendship is another kind of true love, you know, I know it might not be the one you want, but it's still beautiful nonetheless. She's your best friend, no matter how she feels about you, whether romantically or platonically, she'll still love and care for you no matter what.

I know there is also the chance that she may not only reject you, but also end your friendship, if that happens she never deserved you anyway.

Be strong and follow your heart, but also remember to brace yourself before jumping into something.

Jameson Duerte

Jameson Duerte, studied at Colleges and Universities

Répondu il y a 23w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 64 et de vues de réponses 11.4k

Réponse d'origine: I'm in love with my best friend. I'm gay and he's straight. What should I do?

Let me tell you something, straight people do not appreciate gay people, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express yourself. You should not keep your emotions to yourself, and you should never touch him. You should exert your energy into non-sexual outlets. Get him a gift which costs a lot of money.

,Anonymous

Anonymous

Mise à jour il y a 216w

Réponse d'origine: I am gay and I am falling in love with my roommate who is a straight boy. What should I do?

You can't beat yourself up like this. I know how much it hurts, being in love with someone you can't have. I fell in love with this amazing girl this year, but she has a boyfriend and definitely isn't a lesbian. For a while, I was also disgusted with myself for liking her. But we can't think like that, you can't choose who you fall in love with and that's that. I feel like a lot of people are answering and telling you to try to get over him and move on, but I know how it feels and I know it's not that easy. You probably really like this guy and he makes you smile and laugh and feel happy inside, you don't want to give that up. At least that's how it feels for me about her. But you can't devote yourself to someone who will never feel the same way. So try to start slowly separating yourself from him and looking into other guys. Just try to see if there's any gay guys you might be interested in. And, when you're ready of course, you should try to date another of these guys. I know it sounds really, really hard but you got to do this for yourself. I really hope this helped, good luck in your future

Kye Mitchum

Kye Mitchum, Worked in veterinary medicine, transgender FTM, philosopher

Répondu il y a 250w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 505 et de vues de réponses 1.9m

From one gay individual to another, I sympathize in the most genuine way possible.

I think falling in love with straight friends/peers is the worst thing! I have been in love with my best friend for years. There's nothing in the world I wouldn't do for her. I think the reason that gays like us fall for straight best friends is because we have such an intimate relationship with them already. The kind of bond between really close friends is only millimeters away from being romantic love. My best friend knows that I love her, but she doesn't know that I'm amoureux avec elle.
The distinction is so minimal, it's hard to even tell when you cross that line. When a homosexual individual has a same-sex best friend, it's almost inevitable that the gay person will fall in love. The bond between best friends just becomes so important, and it's easy for it to become love.

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If your friend is definitely straight, there's absolutely nothing you can do to make him love you.
Think about it this way; could you fall in love with a female? If you're genuinely gay you know better than anyone else that you can't.
There's no way that I could fall in love with a man, it's just not in my nature. Could someone force me to be straight? Not in a million years. The same goes for a straight person; the chances that you will be able to turn your friend gay are not promising. Conclusion? The probability that your straight friend will be able to return your love is minimal at best.

That doesn't mean that you will likely ever stop loving your friend, and in my opinion, you don't really have to.

I will love my best friend until the day I die. And I promise you, if there was even the slightest chance that she could ever love me in the way that I love her, I would never leave her side.

I don't ignore my love for her, I just don't encourage it. I date other women, and someday I hope to find a girl I'll fall in love with who can love me back.

Alex Juarez

Alex Juarez, is gay.

Répondu il y a 230w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 242 et de vues de réponses 242.4k

Réponse d'origine: I am gay and I am falling in love with my roommate who is a straight boy. What should I do?

Move out, if you can. I have gone through similar situations, and I know that staying in the same dorm, seeing him every day, heck, just being physically so close to him-- is going to bring you great suffering.

Request a transfer, do whatever you need, but please remove yourself from his proximity as much as possible.

You ARE NOT wrong for being attracted to him. It's not like you *want* to like him. There is nothing wrong with you or him, it is just an unfortunate situation.

What would be wrong is to subject yourself to grief, suffering and pain.

I will say it again: there is nothing wring with you. What's bad is the situation, so remove yourself from it.

Above all, love yourself. Best of luck to you.

Marcus Geduld

Marcus Geduld, studied at School of Theatre at Ohio University

Mise à jour il y a 70w · L'auteur dispose de réponses 9.2k et de vues de réponses 56.1m

I'm sorry. This sucks! It's one of the worst aspects of being human.

I'm going assume he's definitely 100% straight. In which case, you simply doivent move on. It ain't gonna happen. So you're in the same crappy boat as all people (gay, straight, or bi) who love someone that doesn't love them back. It's terrible. It happens. It happens to almost everyone. We get over it, but it hurts like hell while it's happening.

You need to decide whether you're better off taking a time-out from the friendship or not. Can you be around him and absolutely accept the fact that it ain't gonna happen, or will hanging out with him make you continually hope and pine? Do what you need to do.

My main advice is to rip the bandaid off, which means absolutely refuser to turn this into a Tragic Love Story. That's incredibly tempting, because if, in your mind, you're the star of "Unrequited Love," that makes you special. Not special in the way you'd like, but still special. It's also a way to cling to the romance: "If it can't be happily ever after, at least it can be tragically ever after." Almost all people in your position feel the urge to mythologize their misery.

Resist it. The longer you give into it, the longer the pain will last. Tell yourself that (a) it's over, and (b) what you're going through might hurt, but it's boring. It's a humdrum occurrence, and no one gives a shit. Nothing about it makes you special or interesting. Your hobbies, ideas, opinions, and whatnot make you interesting, but not this.

It's not a Tragic Love Story.

It's a story that's plus de.

La fin.

Whenever you find yourself daydreaming about him, tell yourself, "It's over." If you have a photo of him, don't gaze at it longingly. Throw it in the trash or burn it. It's over. Don't go on and on about him to your friends. If you need to talk, talk about how you're having trouble accepting the fact that it's over. Just keep "it's over ... it's over ... it's over..." in the forefront of your mind. Unless you're thinking about something else that has nothing to do with him.

Bon chance.


I post about art, writing, theatre, relationships, education, science, philosophy, psychology, religion, atheism, computer programming, meditation, and nutrition. You can support me and my theatre company on Patreon.

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